27th. December 2013 – 10:00: Scuba Diving 101.

Equipment and assembly.

Do you dear reader, have any idea how difficult it is for a somewhat overweight, old-ish, left-handed half blind (try finding the o-ring on the DIN without your glasses) dive rookie, to assemble diving gear intended for young, right handed 20/20 visioned divers? Needless to say, to start with, I got things back to front, inside out, top to bottom. It took me twice as long to get it right. Regardless, I can now do this with my eyes closed. Being half blind does have its advantage after all. Besides, it did make me realise how patient my instructors really were.

Donning the equipment.

Wetsuit

The theory says that it’s good to wear a tight-fitting wetsuit because under pressure, this  traps a thinner lay of water between it and your skin which is easier to keep warm. But dear oh dear! Use your imagination in regards to the worst case scenario of getting into one of these and you are watching a live unedited version of what I was doing. You know that you are starting off on the wrong foot when you try to step into the arm instead of a leg of a wetsuit that is already inside out. Worse, still, you don't realize it because the wetsuit fits better. I still have the scar where the end of a zip decided to embed itself into my heel. But I wear it with pride; sort of like a battle-scar.

Weight Belt

Added thus to an already overweight diver and you get close to my reality. It’s hard to sweep Archimedean Physics under the carpet:  The heavier you are, the more weight you are going to have on your weight-belt. This piece of humble equipment was definitely going to be my Achilles-heel.  To add insult to injury, the release buckle is on the left. It is also mandatory to hold the weight belt in your right hand on the loose end. I found out the hard way as to why, to a south-paw, this is nigh impossible. It was so heavy that the only way I could put it on was bending over. This is not a problem in itself, until you try standing up. Only then do you understand how Atlas felt until Hercules came along. Mental note: get younger and lose some weight.

BCD

Straight-forward and logical. Much more hi-tech than a weight-belt but it’s not too much of a problem on dry land. I’m sure BCD and I are going to be BFFs.

Mask and Snorkel

Not a big fan of spitting anywhere, even at the best of times and least of all into something that was going to be so close to your face. With a bit of luck, the instructor won’t spit in my mask to demonstrate the art of de-fogging. Oh! Oh! too late...Just kidding. Anyway, with a lot of practice, I’ll be doing this in my sleep no doubt.

Flippers

At the risk of being flippant, now I know why beached whales find it difficult to get back into the sea.  At least the whale was born with a pair. Why would any reasonable adult ever think of actually pinning flippers onto perfectly working feet? Even when you succeed, walking with them is like trying to walk about with your ankles tied with cable-ties. Besides I’ve always wanted to waddle like a duck.

The Buddy Check.

The acronym is BWRAF. I won’t spoil your fun by telling you what it means. Nor can I tell you how I remember the acronym without defaming a very famous Hollywood actor. Write to me if you want to know but please bring along one of those PADI indemnity forms. Hey, if it works for you, use it.

Jumping off, AKA Stepping Off.

Given that you have managed to shuffle to the edge of the pool without falling on your face and have not already exhausted yourself trying to get up; inflate BCD a little, left hand on weight belt, right hand on mask and regulator, step off the land for the first time. Now where’s that second stage gotten to? Thankfully by now you will know the theory behind regulator recovery and the Bermuda triangle where the secondary regulator is supposed to be located. You will by now be in a brave new world; time to put theory into practice.